When I was in Hawaii, searching for redemption and healing, I started a talking group loosely based on the ideas of the Hero Archetype, the Hero’s Journey, and the idea that maybe if I was feeling lost and alone I wasn’t the only one.

We met every other week for a year. It gave structure and meaning to my life that still felt somewhat out of control. At the end of that year, the group wanted to keep going. We’d thoroughly explored the ideas around the Hero archetype and were interested in finding new archetypes to explore. I sought out a book that we could reference, and found Carol Pearson’s Awakening the Hero’s Within. The group found it a little too self-helpy, but I absolutely loved it (probably because it was a little too self-helpy). Carol Pearson outlines 12 major archetypes within us, and I discovered the ones that were dominant for me, and their virtues as well as their shadow sides. The Orphan, Caregiver, and Warrior Archetypes (particularly the undeveloped, unconscious expressions of those) were especially cringy for me to explore, as they seemed to expose exactly my least favorable traits. How embarrassing to be a common wounded martyr. I devoured the book, and learned a lot.

One of the most revealing archetypes for me was the Destroyer. I definitely identified with her. From Pearson’s book: “The Destroyer embodies repressed rage about structures that no longer serve life even when these structures still are supported by society or by our conscious choices. Although this archetype can be ruthless, it weeds the garden in ways that allow for new growth. The Destroyer is a paradoxical character whose destructiveness reflects the death drive and an inner fear of annihilation. As a fighter, they are thus careless of their own safety and may put others in danger too. Their quest is to change, to let go of their anger or whatever force drives them and return to balance, finding the life drive that will sustain them.”

I realized that I had lived with the Destroyer as my primary inner drive for a very long time. In it’s shadow, the Destroyer is ruled by addiction, self-destructive behavior, drama, turmoil and fear. My strategy for advancing my personal story was to blow up my life. My favorite quote was from Robin Davidson’s book Tracks: “I think when you are truly stuck, when you have stood still in the same spot for too long, you throw a grenade in exactly the spot you were standing in, and jump, and pray. It is the momentum of last resort.” I spent a lot of years reaping the benefits of the Destroyer, mixed up in the shadow of it, stumbling through the darkness, Graced with the gifts of it. I became truly addicted to the leap, and the feeling of being caught. I destroyed unconsciously and wreaked havoc and somehow remained undamned. Others may have perceived me as damned, and I went hours and days and months convinced that I was damned, but a tiny part of me remained pure. The Destroyer taught me that there is a core of something inside of me that can’t be destroyed, tainted, made ugly, or ruined. As Albert Camus so beautifully expressed, “In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.”

I respect the Destroyer Archetype totally. Through her fear and destruction, she is actually seeking metamorphosis, revolution, and, most profoundly, the ability to Let Go. She wants to face her deep dark fear of annihilation. She secretly wants to be annihilated herself, to become a husk and blow away in the wind, to dissolve into a million champagne bubbles and to know that essential and true nature that remains. She wants to know that God exists. That she’s not alone . That she will be caught. She wants to evolve.

As I became more conscious of mySelf, I eventually stopped allowing the Destroyer to unconsciously express through me. I carefully and thoroughly honored her, put her to bed, and I’ve tried very very hard not to wake her.

Now, in the middle of the chaos and lack of control in the world, I find myself feeling frustratingly stuck. I’ve been unable to rally. Projects are on hold in every direction. I’m struggling with depression and anger, and a low grade bubbling anxiety. It doesn’t help that I’ve given myself almost no foundation, no soft place to fall, no home base. I am living part time in a tipi. I’m not sure what else to say about that, but it is almost as ridiculous as it sounds, despite the moments of beauty when the moonlight streaks through the walls and everything is truly, finally, quiet. There is such a small amount of structure in my days that even I, who have moved nearly 30 times and can pivot to a totally new life on a whim, am feeling untethered. I am totally privileged, and have resources and an amazing boyfriend and so much love, and I feel like a total shit because somehow that’s not enough for me to be okay. My body hurts a lot. I’m not sleeping well but always tired. I can’t be bothered to engage in the practices that I know may help me feel better. I get relief from the pain in my body and in my psyche only when I sleep deeply.

I wasn’t making progress with this discomfort, and things were feeling worse instead of better. I decided that something must change. I took a few hours to let all of my distractions (food, YouTube, driving, worrying) fall away, and meditated and tuned in and asked my helpers for help. I faced what felt like a deep down choice, full of grief, about being on the planet during this time. I confronted the fact that if I’m going to be here for this, I better fucking show up. And I confronted the fact that, yes, I do want to be here, on the planet, during this time. Going through that internal death and grieving and rebirth process seemed to initiate a glacially slow shift. I have faith that it will gain momentum and that I will feel purposeful and that the pain and grief in my body will subside and that I’ll find a path again. It will be alright. I have that invincible summer and it’s not going anywhere.

Days later, feeling slightly better, and sensing a direction emerging, I notice that the Destroyer has been awakened. She’s coming in hard, knocking the more sensible and lucid archetypes to the side. While there are 4 or 5 big projects that need attention which feel blocked and held up, her projects flow along with ease. We’re demo-ing an old cabin in the woods, and it goes great. Ripping out drywall wrecks my forearms and my body still hurts like hell, but when I’m smashing things my soul lights up. I can feel her when my plans, again, fall apart. I can see her grin when I surrender some internal striving desire to control external perceptions, and just say fuck it. I can hear her laugh at me when I try to see into the future. When I settle uncomfortably into the moment she wraps herself around my feet and starts a low gravelly purring that scares the shit out of me, but I take as a good sign. The Destroyer archetype is unpredictable and ruthless. But she’s here to help me Let Go. She’s here to help me transform, move through fear, and find balance again. She is here to help me free fall and to once again trust the LIfe that moves through us all. She’s not allowing me to skip through this process to the end, where everything is fine and dandy and better than ever, either. I’m in it, falling apart and coming back together, and falling apart again. I’m losing control. I’m looking for the courage to take a deep breath, and throw a grenade, and jump, and pray.